Dear Wal Mart Shopper:

No and No.

Miley Cyrus Eat Your Heart Out!!!

Hey there, sister....you look like you might be the tender age of 13, you're cute with your skinny jeans, sparkly eye shadow and long hair.  I know you're looking at every one of the male species you come across here in Wal Mart, but let me give you a little advice.  If you're looking for a boyfriend, you need to get out of the little-kid-race-car-cart-thing that your Mom is pushing.  Yeah, it's cute for 3-year-olds. And you and your little friends may be getting a few giggles off it, but for real honey, to guys it's not cute.  I mean, how many times have you seen Miley Cyrus cruising around in one of these?  But hey, at 13 in your skinny jeans and sparkly eyeshadow, if you're really NOT looking for guys who you think are cute, then knock yourself out.  

Homeland Security

Dear Wal Mart Shopper: 
Hey there, guy....I can see that you're a little angry...how do I know that?  Well it could be that you have a stuffed rattlesnake wrapped around the brim of your super-snazzy cowboy hat, complete in attack mode with its mouth wide open.  Or ir could be that you brought your militia in with you, whom to me look like two MeeMaws,. one with gray pigtails, and one with camo fatigues.  If you see any local threat to our national security, please let me know.  I'll be happy to do my part.

The Wal Mart Experience: Soup or Salad?

Dear Wal Mart Shopper: Could you please enlighten me on one thing? Are salad ingredients and accessories so titillating you cannot pull yourself away from them? I mean, that section is not that big. Sure, dressing make up a large part of it. But the rest is bacon bits and croutons, and really, is there that much difference between brands? Sure, sure, I know you need a few to select which dressing you want. But I can usually do that in like, 15 seconds, tops. Does it take a discussion between you, your husband, and your 3-year-old about whether to buy Texas Toast croutons or the off brand? It's STALE BREAD. How can it be that different? Same with bacon bits. It's DEHYDRATED MEAT PRODUCT. Let's all get together on the same page and move it along, shall we?

The Wal Mart Experience: Cartoon Character Ettiquite

Dear Wal Mart Shopper: 

So, I owe some cartoon characters an apology. While I mentioned Betty Boop, Tinkerbell, & Tweety Bird as being among the elite of Wal Mart couture, it seems that I have overlooked Taz. My heartfelt apologies, Mr. Devil, for this gross oversight on my part. Let me also use this opportunity to remind all you shoppers out there that t...his shirt is appropriate for a school aged child. Okay, I'll even allow high school. But if you are 45 years old with bleach blonde hair, a marlboro dangling from the corner of your mouth, and have a rebel flag tat on your calf, this shirt is not for you. It does not take the edge off your appearance, rather it adds to the trashiness.

The Wal Mart Experience: Dine n Dash

Dear Wal Mart Shopper:  Hey all you busy Moms on the run! Don't feel like you have enough time to get everything done??  Wondering how you're gonna fit in  ball practice, homework, dinner, and grocery shopping all in one evening?? Well here's your solution!! Brought to you by a bonafide, Honest-to-God true Wal Mart Shopper herself, why not combine some of your to-do list? That's right, go through the drive thru at Little Caesar's Pizza, grab a Hot-N-Ready 3 Meat Combo, and dine on your meal while completing your grocery shopping! Nothing like chowing down on cheap pizza served right from the convenience of your Wal Mart Buggy! Grab that cheesy melty goodness right outta the box, and keep on truckin! Now, dinner is done when the shopping is done! WOW!!!
Okay, seriously??

The Wal Mart Experience: Get a Room!

 Dear Wal Mart Shopper:
I don't know what Wal Mart means to you. To me, it means a shopping trip where I can buy anything from charcoal and lighter fluid to make up to underwear, all at roll back pricing. It is a place to buy my groceries. I was not aware that some of you also consider it a place to consummate your relationship. Just in case you were wondering, the check out line is not a good place to make out. You are obviously the type who digs PDA, and I think maybe that the Wal Mart check out line would rank right up there on "Top 10 Most Public Places to Suck Face."  So, I guess, from your point of view, that was a totally awesome move on your part. But let me speak for everybody else: Not cool.