The Wal Mart Experience: A Phenomenon That Has No Boundaries

Dear Wal Mart  Shopper:
 Is it necessary to wear camouflage clothing while shopping at large outdoors value stores?  Even though you're not at Wal Mart??  Does it carry over? Because  I was a little afraid they wouldn't let me in the door with regular clothes on. In fact, I was almost embarassed because I didn't meet the dress code. Foolishly, I wasn't aware that one had to dress in hunting gear to simply purchase hunting/fishing supplies. Why is that? Is it just in case an unsuspecting monster buck wanders out from behind that rack of North Face jackets? Or perhaps you accidentally flush a covey of quail from underneath a kayak? Or are you just trying to reassure yourself, as well as those around you, that you are, indeed, a Serious Hunter? Think on that one and get back to me.

The Wal Mart Experience: Jealous?

Dear Wal Mart Shopper: Look closely at what's in my cart. Yep, I scored the one-and-only never before seen cart with a built-in drink holder. Naturally I had to buy a soft drink to try it out, even though I wasn't thirsty. I have to give Sam Walton an A for passing down his mad marketing skills through the generations. To everyone else: eat your heart out.

The Wal Mart Experience: Like a Rhinestone Cowboy....

Dear Wal Mart Shopper: Hey there, cowboy, betcha didn't know you were gonna make my day when you got dressed this morning. Do you know how long it's been since I've seen maroon jeans? Have I ever seen maroon jeans? I know one thing for sure, you rocked out those jeans, along with your cowboy boots, personalized leather belt, and plaid shirt with mother-of-pearl snaps. You, sir, are what makes Wal Mart tolerable.

The Wal Mart Experience: Haute Couture?

Dear Wal Mart Shopper: A big thumbs up to you for strutting your stuff in your overalls and flip flops. I admire your self confidence & your creativity; I, for one, would have never thought to pair my Liberties with my Yellowbox, but hey, whatever works for ya, right?

The Wal Mart Experience: Smoking or Non?

Dear Walmart Shopper:
At what point did you decide that it was not only acceptable, but absolutely necessary to light up a cigarette in the produce section? Seriously, have you ever seen anyone else do that? Is that what made you think it was okay? I know you're not that out of touch with reality because I just saw you whip out a cell phone & use it correctly.

Dear Wal Mart Shopper: Don't Stand in Front of the Soup!!

Attention Retirees & Housewives: Please do not hold your reunions right in front of the soup. There are other shoppers who work who have limited time to get their groceries. While I am all about catching up with old friends, perhaps you should do so over a cup of Starbucks instead of right in front of the beef consomme, especially when you've looked over & made eye contact with me & still didn't move. Just sayin.

The Wal Mart Experience: We salute you, Mr. Crazy Redneck WalMart Shopper Guy!!

 I owe some of you an apology. I questioned your sense of style in my first post when I commented on those of you who choose to wear fleece pj bottoms into wal mart as if they are couture. Well, now I know why. Right up at the front of the store are racks and racks of brightly colored fleece pajama pants, all sporting different characters: Tinkerbell is there, & so is Betty Boop, and Tweety Bird! Couple that with insanely low prices, and voila! Who could pass up such a deal? I mean, who cares if your whole wardrobe consists of cartoon-character-studded fat pants? As long as you have the cushy, feels-like-slippers-but look-like-plush-flip-flops to accompany them! You are true bargain shoppers! It's not your fault, it's the marketing gurus up in Bentonville AK who can take the credit for this clothing phenomenon!!
So as long as this holds true, I must assume that back in the beauty section, they also have unbelievable deals on do-it-yourself hair color. So incredible, in fact, that you bought not one, not two, but three different colors and decided to streak your hair with all three! So now you're a dirty blond with chunks of burgundy, black, and cobalt. Nice.
So hats off to you, wal mart shoppers. You are truly taking advantage of the rollback pricing, and thoroughly enjoying your freedom as an American citizen. (You think you could wear Betty Boop and blue hair into a wal mart in Prague? I'm thinking not.)
You just can't get more American than that. So next time I see one of you when I'm in Wal Mart, I'm going to enjoy that little slice of Americana and be thankful that I have the right to choose what color my hair is and what kind of britches I'm gonna wear when I head out to rack up on those crazy deals...

The Wal Mart Experience: Parking Lot Syndrome, Part 2 (Review of Cart Corrals)

Dear Wal Mart Shopper:
 Now that we've had a lesson on directional arrows, let's discuss discarded shopping carts. Know all those metal chutes that clearly scream "Return carts here!"? Well, that's exactly what they're for. If you weren't aware of this, then hopefully this has shed some light on the subject for you. If you are in the other 98% and are simply too lazy to return your cart into the proper receptacle, then hopefully someone will leave a cart directly behind your vehicle so that you will back over it. Or bash one into the side of your vehicle, leaving a dent.